Dear Diary …

The other day I mentioned the great cats-versus-dogs debate. Well not to beat a dead horse (where do humans come up with these bizarre expressions?), but cats and dogs are different creatures for sure. And I’m sure you can guess which side of the debate I fall on. I mean c’mon, you won’t find a cleaner, smarter, more self-sufficient pet than a cat. It’s obvious we’re superior to dogs!

There’s a joke that’s been making the rounds for years involving excerpts from a dog’s diary and a cat’s diary. I’m not sure who the original author is, since it appears in several variations on many different sites, all without attribution, but I always get a kick out of it, and hope you will, too.

DOG DIARY

8:00 a.m.  — Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 a.m.  — A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 a.m.  — A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 a.m.  — Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 p.m. — Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 p.m. — Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 p.m. — Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 p.m. — Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 p.m. — Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 p.m. — Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 p.m. — Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

CAT DIARY

Day 983 of my captivity!
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a “good little hunter” I am. The sick bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of “allergies.” I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow — but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released – and seems to be more than willing to return. He obviously has issues. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now …

Pretty funny, huh? Although I do think it overstates our slyness a bit.

Say, where are Those Two? I’ve been waiting for hours.